Dec 27, 2007
Dec 19, 2007
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Dec 12, 2007
Dec 11, 2007
S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
Blake,
Alec Baldwin's
Character From
the Movie Version of
Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some
Fourth-Graders.
BY Sonny Harding
- - - -
Are they all here? What? Grant's at speech therapy? Well, I'm going anyway.
Let's talk about something important: the annual magazine-sale fundraiser.
I'm here from downtown—from the school board on a mission of mercy. Your name's Chip? You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch? Your school's going to run out of cash before you start the fifth grade unless you start selling some magazines, starting tonight, Chip.
As you all know, first prize is two minutes in the money machine. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a Koosh Ball. Third prize is you're fired. What's that? Sorry, apparently third prize is a big Tootsie Roll.
You got leads, ladies: grandparents, your dad's co-workers, aunts and uncles in Maryland. You can't close these leads, you can't close shit, you are shit—what? She's right, kids, don't sell door-to-door to strangers. There's a lotta sick perverts out there.
What's my name? You see this watch? That watch cost more than your Xbox. That's my name! Really? $300? Christ.
You're nothing. Honor roll? I don't give a shit. Take care of the class hamster? Fuck you. You wanna go to school here? Get out there and sell some Newsweeks.
I can go out there tonight and get 20 subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly! In two hours! And my aunts and uncles are long dead, you sons of bitches.
A-B-C. A—always, B—be, C—careful. Remember those perverts, kids. Let's get some sort of buddy system going, huh?
And, um, the class with the most sales gets a pizza party with Shrek.
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
Blake,
Alec Baldwin's
Character From
the Movie Version of
Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some
Fourth-Graders.
BY Sonny Harding
- - - -
Are they all here? What? Grant's at speech therapy? Well, I'm going anyway.
Let's talk about something important: the annual magazine-sale fundraiser.
I'm here from downtown—from the school board on a mission of mercy. Your name's Chip? You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch? Your school's going to run out of cash before you start the fifth grade unless you start selling some magazines, starting tonight, Chip.
As you all know, first prize is two minutes in the money machine. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a Koosh Ball. Third prize is you're fired. What's that? Sorry, apparently third prize is a big Tootsie Roll.
You got leads, ladies: grandparents, your dad's co-workers, aunts and uncles in Maryland. You can't close these leads, you can't close shit, you are shit—what? She's right, kids, don't sell door-to-door to strangers. There's a lotta sick perverts out there.
What's my name? You see this watch? That watch cost more than your Xbox. That's my name! Really? $300? Christ.
You're nothing. Honor roll? I don't give a shit. Take care of the class hamster? Fuck you. You wanna go to school here? Get out there and sell some Newsweeks.
I can go out there tonight and get 20 subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly! In two hours! And my aunts and uncles are long dead, you sons of bitches.
A-B-C. A—always, B—be, C—careful. Remember those perverts, kids. Let's get some sort of buddy system going, huh?
And, um, the class with the most sales gets a pizza party with Shrek.
Dec 7, 2007
Dec 6, 2007
Dec 4, 2007
Nov 29, 2007
Nov 28, 2007
Nov 27, 2007
Nov 19, 2007
Nov 14, 2007
Nov 13, 2007
Nov 6, 2007
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Aug 5, 2007
Aug 3, 2007
Aug 2, 2007
DAVID LYNCH'S
TIPS FOR A GREAT PROM.
BY NATHANIEL MISSILDINE
- - - -
Asking a Girl to Be Your Date
Don't be afraid to be a little timid and show how innocent you truly are. This will put her at ease. Remember, you are a wholesome, all-American guy and she's the apple-cheeked girl next door. Don't hesitate to use terms like "golly," "buster," and "swell" after she finally says yes.
Picking and Presenting the Right Corsage
This is crucial for many reasons, none of which I can go into. Select a corsage that comes in an oddly anachronistic box. Arrive at your date's house and present the corsage first. Then greet her mother and father warmly and promise you'll have their daughter home before midnight. Laugh together about this, even though you have no idea what exactly you're laughing about, nor why the father's entire head has turned a very unnatural purple color and is ballooning in size. Don't spend any time trying to figure out what's happening, however. After the father excuses himself, your date will descend the staircase very slowly. Pin the corsage on in the same slow motion. Be careful here not to stare too long at the flower once it's pinned on your date, as you may get a brief glimpse of your own yawning face aged 20 years and wearing brazenly applied clown makeup for a reason that is not yet clear to you. Bid the mother good night. "Gosh," you might want to say to yourself, "maybe the yellow corsage would have been better."
Driving to the Dance
Instead of listening to your CD player, tune your radio to a station with reception that fades in and out on an old Dinah Shore number but without any instrumentals, just the haunting voice. Hope it rains while you're in the car so that the streetlights of your small hometown are blurred and diffused in the windshield. Fix your wipers to move in sync with the hypnotic music that seems to go on and on while the storm rages just outside the warm cocoon of your automobile. Several blocks later, ignore the severed arm lying across the intersection. Yes, it was definitely a severed arm. Ask your date if she's excited. Reply that you're excited, too. Hold hands for only the last two minutes of your drive. Once you've arrived, open the door for her. Take her hand and enter your high-school gymnasium dazzled. Continue to let the chorus of the Dinah Shore song echo in your head for the rest of the evening, even as others around you dance to Linkin Park.
First Slow Dance
While you and your date sway gently to the music, tell her that you really like her ponytail. Don't answer when she asks you why you're speaking backward. This dance just might last forever. Or at least three and half hours.
Discovering
Your Social-Studies Teacher
in the Bathroom With Bloodied Hands
and Wearing a Platinum-Blond Wig
If this happens, your teacher, Mr. Rohrbauch, will appear oddly at peace. Joke about how this reminds you a little of the Teapot Dome scandal you all discussed yesterday in period 5. He won't respond, but keep smiling. Then maybe wrestle briefly with Mr. Rohrbauch, getting blood on yourself. This whole thing sounds really freaky and messed up, you say? Sure, I can see that. Hey, these are all just impressions.
Being Named Prom King and Queen
If you are named prom king and queen, which you almost certainly will be, because it's your destiny, walk confidently to the podium. Lose yourself in the klieg lights. Don't allow your date to clean up her face after her tears of joy cause her mascara to run. In fact, use a dropper to make sure it streaks all the way down her cheeks. This is now the time to embrace her. Hold back not at all. Tear at her dress. Pet heavily. From the corner of your eye, note Mr. Rohrbauch attacking several students, many of whom are now wearing featureless plaster masks. Continue necking furiously with your date despite the principal's attempts to stop you. Also, don't be alarmed when your date, for a second there, turns into another woman you've never seen before. This is normal.
Saying Good Night
Once again, don't feel bad at all about being shy. Back in the safety of your car, hold your date's hands tenderly one last time. Do not kiss here; this is not the place. Nor should you discuss anything you saw earlier that night. There's no point in trying to make sense of it. Say you hope you'll see her again soon. "Does this mean things will never be the same again and that the purity and beauty we once took for granted will be gone forever?" she might ask. This is, again, all open to interpretation.
TIPS FOR A GREAT PROM.
BY NATHANIEL MISSILDINE
- - - -
Asking a Girl to Be Your Date
Don't be afraid to be a little timid and show how innocent you truly are. This will put her at ease. Remember, you are a wholesome, all-American guy and she's the apple-cheeked girl next door. Don't hesitate to use terms like "golly," "buster," and "swell" after she finally says yes.
Picking and Presenting the Right Corsage
This is crucial for many reasons, none of which I can go into. Select a corsage that comes in an oddly anachronistic box. Arrive at your date's house and present the corsage first. Then greet her mother and father warmly and promise you'll have their daughter home before midnight. Laugh together about this, even though you have no idea what exactly you're laughing about, nor why the father's entire head has turned a very unnatural purple color and is ballooning in size. Don't spend any time trying to figure out what's happening, however. After the father excuses himself, your date will descend the staircase very slowly. Pin the corsage on in the same slow motion. Be careful here not to stare too long at the flower once it's pinned on your date, as you may get a brief glimpse of your own yawning face aged 20 years and wearing brazenly applied clown makeup for a reason that is not yet clear to you. Bid the mother good night. "Gosh," you might want to say to yourself, "maybe the yellow corsage would have been better."
Driving to the Dance
Instead of listening to your CD player, tune your radio to a station with reception that fades in and out on an old Dinah Shore number but without any instrumentals, just the haunting voice. Hope it rains while you're in the car so that the streetlights of your small hometown are blurred and diffused in the windshield. Fix your wipers to move in sync with the hypnotic music that seems to go on and on while the storm rages just outside the warm cocoon of your automobile. Several blocks later, ignore the severed arm lying across the intersection. Yes, it was definitely a severed arm. Ask your date if she's excited. Reply that you're excited, too. Hold hands for only the last two minutes of your drive. Once you've arrived, open the door for her. Take her hand and enter your high-school gymnasium dazzled. Continue to let the chorus of the Dinah Shore song echo in your head for the rest of the evening, even as others around you dance to Linkin Park.
First Slow Dance
While you and your date sway gently to the music, tell her that you really like her ponytail. Don't answer when she asks you why you're speaking backward. This dance just might last forever. Or at least three and half hours.
Discovering
Your Social-Studies Teacher
in the Bathroom With Bloodied Hands
and Wearing a Platinum-Blond Wig
If this happens, your teacher, Mr. Rohrbauch, will appear oddly at peace. Joke about how this reminds you a little of the Teapot Dome scandal you all discussed yesterday in period 5. He won't respond, but keep smiling. Then maybe wrestle briefly with Mr. Rohrbauch, getting blood on yourself. This whole thing sounds really freaky and messed up, you say? Sure, I can see that. Hey, these are all just impressions.
Being Named Prom King and Queen
If you are named prom king and queen, which you almost certainly will be, because it's your destiny, walk confidently to the podium. Lose yourself in the klieg lights. Don't allow your date to clean up her face after her tears of joy cause her mascara to run. In fact, use a dropper to make sure it streaks all the way down her cheeks. This is now the time to embrace her. Hold back not at all. Tear at her dress. Pet heavily. From the corner of your eye, note Mr. Rohrbauch attacking several students, many of whom are now wearing featureless plaster masks. Continue necking furiously with your date despite the principal's attempts to stop you. Also, don't be alarmed when your date, for a second there, turns into another woman you've never seen before. This is normal.
Saying Good Night
Once again, don't feel bad at all about being shy. Back in the safety of your car, hold your date's hands tenderly one last time. Do not kiss here; this is not the place. Nor should you discuss anything you saw earlier that night. There's no point in trying to make sense of it. Say you hope you'll see her again soon. "Does this mean things will never be the same again and that the purity and beauty we once took for granted will be gone forever?" she might ask. This is, again, all open to interpretation.
Jul 30, 2007
Jul 27, 2007
Jul 25, 2007
Jul 18, 2007
Jul 17, 2007
Jul 15, 2007
Jul 11, 2007
Jul 8, 2007
Jul 3, 2007
Jul 2, 2007
Jun 28, 2007
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Mar 1, 2007
this copyright was made for you and me
"This song is Copyrighted in U.S., under Seal of Copyright #154085, for a period of 28 years, and anybody caught singin' it without our permission, will be mighty good friends of ourn, cause we don't give a dern. Publish it. Write it. Sing it. Swing to it. Yodel it. We wrote it, that's all we wanted to do."
—Written by Guthrie in the late 1930s on a songbook distributed to listeners who wanted the words to his recordings
Feb 28, 2007
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